It's 2015 but all anyone can talk about is 2016. Like Christmas, it seems like the start of election season comes earlier and earlier. Only instead of carols we get lies and instead of twinkling lights we get lies and instead of presents under the tree we get, you guessed it, lies, lies, lies and more goddamn lies. So many fucking lies flying from every direction, it feels like a goddamn blizzard of dishonesty. You get dizzy and disoriented and lose track of which empty promise came from which shallow souled hose bag. But then there's the big lies, the goddamndiest lies. The ones too big for just one candidate. So they become like a Gregorian chant. A partisan mantra that goes totally unquestioned and unchallenged. The other candidates all just simply try to shout it louder then the last. This season, the favored mantra of the Republican circus is the bold idea that we're not just at war with terrorism, no that Bush left over is to PC for this crowd, we're at war with radical Islam and each candidate is the only one with the intestinal fortitude to say it, even if the last nine dicks just got done fucking saying it. Unlike that pussy, serial bomber Barack Obama and his oh so doveish air apparent Madame Killary, these war mongers aren't afraid to be rude about there atrocities. No sir, these are men! Real men! Beer chugging, pistol packing, Bible thumping, hard fighting, hard fucking, hard farting, big dick swinging Republican men. The kind of men you could get shit faced with, the kind of men who could help you mulch your lawn and dismember a mouthy mistress, all in one afternoon, and still be home for the big game! Yeah! These are real men! Not just men but guys! Bro's! Dudes! And there not afraid to roll up there sleeves, fist fuck the word police and declare unilateral war against an entire religion they clearly don't know the first thing about, yeah! Guy stuff! Fuck radical Islam! USA! USA! USA!! USA!!!!....
But what does that even fucking mean? The problem is radical Islam? OK, but how do you define radical Islam? Everybody's first go-to after ISIS always seems to be Iran but how radical is Iran really? The cold, hard truth that you rarely hear from an American is that Iran, in reality, is probably the most moderate Islamic government in the region. Western culture, as putrid as it often is, is widely excepted and even embraced by the Iranian people. Iranian women, who are notoriously head strong and outspoken, have the right to drive, the right to work, even the right to vote. In fact, during the US fueled Iran-Iraq War, whole battalions of Persian women fought off Saddam's invaders, firing Kalashnikov's in full hijab's like Twelver riot grrrrl's and proving themselves on the same battlefields as there husbands and brothers. Is Iran a chauvinist, homophobic theocracy? Of coarse, but compared to there Arab neighbors, who the GOP hopeful's just fucking love, Tehran looks like fucking Disneyland (you know, but with less fat people). In Saudi Arabia a woman can't so much as even break wind without the approval of her husband without getting a one way ticket to Floggistan (where the beatings are hers and hers and hers!) courtesy of the Police of Vice and Virtue and that's if there lucky. But no, Iran's the bad guy and the Saudi's are our friends, right? Bullshit! Time for another history lesson, dearest motherfuckers, buckle up.
America's sadomasochistic love affair with Saudi Arabia begins in 1938, when American geologist's discovered petroleum in the under developed desert fiefdom. The House of Saud, which had previously been a protectorate of the doomed British Empire, decided to switch sugar daddies, kicking the limey's to the curve and jumping head first into the cash stuffed bosom of Lady Liberty. But the Saudi's always held loftier ambitions then being some honky's dusty bitch state, no, much like there new partners in the US, the Saudi's wanted in on the empire racket and oil wasn't the only card they had to play. The Saudi's also had Islam, thanks to there occupation of the religion's holiest landmark, Mecca. There was only one little problem with this. Islam, much like its cousin Christianity, was notoriously anti-imperialist but, shit, that didn't stop the Brits and the Yanks from using the Cross to rape half the globe, why should it stop them. So the Saudi's did what there western patrons did and created a heretical, bastardized version of Islam that glorified the notion of world domination under the yoke of a modern day caliphate. The Saudi's created Wahhabism, the foundation of all modern jihadism from the Mujaheddin to the Islamic State.
The Saudi Kingdom exported there new cult through a network of madrasa's or Islamic schools, peppered through out the poverty stricken Islamic world, giving impoverished young Muslims there first and often only opportunity for a real education then brainwashing them into associating the ancient, peaceful religion of Islam with brutality and suicidal conquest but Wahhabism didn't truly take off until Uncle Sam got involved.
Flashback; 1978, After years of struggle, a band of daring, young, Afghani socialists manage to launch a successful revolution, overthrowing the corrupt, western backed oligarchy who had made the tiny mountain nation of Afghanistan one of the poorest and most backward places on earth. The brave new revolutionaries quickly got busy leading the brave new Democratic Republic of Afghanistan (DRA) into the 20th century, abolishing feudalism, enacting land reform and granting unprecedented rights to women and minorities. Though the revolution itself was a wholly independent, homegrown endeavor, the DRA quickly formed an alliance with there next door neighbors in the USSR, who were more then happy to spread the gospel of secular socialism to the Muslim world.
Meanwhile, back in Washington, some powerful people were paying close attention to these events in Central Asia, chief among them was then President Carter's globalist Rasputin, National Security Adviser Zbigniew Brzezinski (remember him?) who saw both threat and promise in the new Afghani government. The threat? The creation of an enviable alternative to the soulless drudgery of western capitalism in the Muslim world or as good old Zbigs put it "the threat of a promising example". The promise? Well, the opportunity for crippling Cold War chaos of coarse. Afghanistan was a nation ripe for unrest with a new unstable democracy and plenty of zealots, opium farmers and warlords to recruit and use to plunge the DRA into anarchy, creating a vacuum that would inevitably draw the Soviets into an unwinnable military quagmire or as one Pentagon official described it "there own Vietnam". In order to achieve this hideous goal, however, Uncle Sam needed an army and the dope lords and acid hurling Imams weren't quite enough.
That's where the Saudi's came in, who agreed to use there network of madrasas and banks to collect, arm, train and fund a makeshift international mercenary force that would come to be known as the Mujaheddin and so it was written and so it was done. Supposed dove Jimmy Carter signed off on all the necessary paper work and the Saudis happily built there dream army of Wahhabist wack jobs who busied themselves slaughtering teachers, raping little girls and burning down the schools that attempted to teach them how they could be more then just shackled broodmares for bearded sheep shaggers and Zbigniew and his sheikhs didn't stop at setting there sights on little Afghanistan. They wanted to set all of the Caucus' on fire, blazing a trail of jihadist misery from Kabul, deep into the Soviet Union with its sizable Muslim population, sewing the seeds of war through Tajikistan, Dagestan, Chechnya and beyond, giving the Soviets no choice but to engage the source of the chaos in Afghanistan and stepping right into our Afghan trap.
A decade later with millions dead or wounded and the Soviets war zapped economy in the toilet, the Red Army finally bailed, leaving the once hopeful revolution of Afghanistan to be torn to shreds by Wahhabist wolves but Kabul's descent back into the Dark Ages was only the beginning of the nightmare. With the war more or less over, Saudi Arabia's Mujaheddin spread to all corners of the globe like a plague, carrying the toxic creed of Wahhabism with them. The post Cold War world quickly found itself awash in an orgy of brutality unlike anything they had ever encountered before and it didn't take long for these ugly roosters to come home to roost in the land of the leaders who made there very existence possible, with vaunted veterans of our great Soviet trap bombing our embassies in Africa and the World Trade Center in New York.
From the smoldering ashes of the Mujaheddin rose the Taliban, Al Qaeda, Al Nusra and eventually ISIS, igniting bloody conflicts on almost every continent, all, and I do mean ALL, with the full support of the mothership back in Riyadh. This includes 911. 28 pages of the Congressional Joint Inquiry into the attacks on September 11, 2001 remain classified and off limits to the public. These particular pages detail the assistance foreign governments gave to the hijackers. Only members of Congress can read these pages with the approval of the Senate Intelligence Committee and even then they are bound by law to keep there contents secret but most of the Senators and Congressmen, in both parties, who have read these pages have come away shocked and became outspoken critics of US-Saudi relations. You do the fucking math. And lets not forget it was our homies, the Saudi's who payed the Pakistani's to keep there little guest in Abbotabad a guarded secret and all of this shit has gone down while we prop up those twisted sheikh's with billions of our own fucking tax dollars!
These are the Middle Eastern allies the GOP hopefuls hold in such high esteem. The "good Muslims" who will help us crush ISIS, another gang of degenerate Wahhabists who have benefited greatly from Saudi charity. But no! The Saudi's aren't the problem. That distinction belongs to Iran and Iran alone. Never mind the fact that Iran has never invaded another sovereign country while the Saudi's obliterate Yemen, for overthrowing a despotic Saudi puppet, as we speak. But this is Iran's fault too, somehow, for sharing the same religion with the Houthi rebels who want nothing more then for the slaughter of there people to cease. Never mind the fact that Iran, more then any other nation, has devoted itself entirely to the eradication of the ISIS cancer in the Middle East. Once again this is somehow Iran's fault for supporting there long time allies in the secular government of Syria but I guess they were asking to have there heads cut off for sickening crime of maintaining a regime that doesn't ethnically cleanse its minorities (GASP! BLASPHEMY!!).
And then of coarse there's Iran's invisible nuclear weapons program, threatening to to trigger a regional arms race. Only, Iran doesn't have a fucking nuclear weapons program! According to our own CIA, such a program has not existed since at least 2003 and there remains zero proof that one ever existed to begin with. Even if one did, I'm sure the Saudi's would have no problem borrowing a nuke or two from there buddies in Israel or Pakistan, who we know for a fact possess these weapons of mass destruction, illegally and yet remain immune to America's selective anti-nuclear hysteria.
If there's one point the Republicans are correct on, it's that there is indeed a sectarian rivalry going on in the Middle East between Tehran and Riyadh. The only problem is that we're on the wrong fucking side. While the Shiite's and even most Sunni's simply want to be left the fuck alone in there own tiny corners of the universe, free from the twin hammers of Zionism and Imperialism, the House of Saud remains as dedicated as ever to there goal of a global Wahhabist caliphate and the Republicans seem more then happy to hand the Middle East over to these butchers in exchange for donations from the Saudi's bloated lobbies and there Zionist cousins.
You wanna be fucking Rambo! You wanna win the war of terror! Then forget about "radical Islam" and set your sights on the real fucking enemy. Declare war on Wahhabism, a putrid, violent, death cult that bares zero resemblance to actual Islam. You don't have to drop bombs to win this war. You just have to stop dropping checks. And lay the fuck off Iran! They may be the only nation capable of strangling this beast once and for all and restoring some assemblage of peace to the Middle East.
Stay safe dearest motherfuckers and if you must venture out into the wild world, make sure you take an umbrella. The blizzard of dishonesty is just gonna get worse from here.