Are you there god? Its me, Comrade Hermit. You know, the bearded broad with the blog (cant have too many of those to keep track of). I'm not asking to be cute. I seriously want to know; are you there god? And if you are then whats the fucking deal with the silent treatment? I mean, 2000 years without so much as a phone call or a burning bush? I've tried hard to believe in you for most of my life but your not exactly making it easy. Truth be told, I really don't know if you exist and I cant play make believe just because I want you to.
Ten years in Catholic school. Ten years of Ten Commandments and twice a week mass. A solid decade of my childhood was devoted to trying, ultimately in vain, to ignore the absurd nature of faith; believing in something totally devoid of all facts and reason and I nearly lost my proverbial shit in the process. I lived in fear of my own gender and sexuality. I lived in fear of a kind and loving god willing to reduce cities to ash heaps because their citizenry refused to fuck each other in your preferred orifice.
I don't want to believe in these parts of the Bible. I don't want to believe that you would allow a place like Hell to exist just so you wouldn't have to get your hands messy torturing the rule breakers for eternity, ferrying out your dirty work to a subterranean black site like the US government. I don't want to believe in a god who would drown the entire planet in a hissy fit because.... Wait? Why did you do that again? I don't want to believe in such a god because that could only mean that god is a despotic and pathologically unbalanced dick. I get enough of that from my government. I don't need it from my religion. Frankly, I'd rather worship Satan under such a scenario. Shit, maybe his rebellion was called for. A coup d'etat against a smite-happy spiritual strongman gone bat-shit with unchecked authority. I don't want to say these things, god, but I feel like someone has to.
But I can also tell you what I do want to believe in. I want to believe in the god introduced to us by Jesus Christ and Muhammad. I kind, loving father who denies no one a seat at his table. A force for good and justice that no state can contain. I want to believe that the Old Testament and even some parts of the New are false propaganda conjured up by false prophets using your name in vain attempts to rule and manipulate the weak at heart. I want to believe in a god who doesn't need to be omnipotent to get her rocks off. Oh yeah, and I want to believe that god is a chick.
I want to believe that Hell doesn't really exist, at least not in a literal sense. That in reality Hell, Earth and Purgatory are one in the same. A test that we have to take over and over again until we get it right. I want to believe that no one is beyond redemption. That even the very worst among us are simply not prepared or evolved enough to except the higher truth of your love. Reincarnation, the Hindu's call this and I'm sure your all too aware that my own soul is more than a few life cycles from enlightenment. Which is why I also want to believe that next time around I come back a little more whole. Perhaps as a biological woman with a few less mental illness' or at least a seabird, soaring high above the white caps of the Atlantic and living off shellfish and junk food in some trashy Jersey Shore town. I want to believe in a god that believes in second, third and fourth chances. A god as flawed and forgiving as the best of her children. A god like Gandhi, Tolstoy and MLK.
Most of all, I want to believe that this all isn't for nothing. That all the pain and suffering and death and bullshit adds up to something at the end of the day and that we're not all just wasting our time here spinning wheels and jerking off into socks. I want to believe that I'm not just sitting here at my computer talking to myself again. So I'll ask again, just one more time. Are you there god?.... I'll be here waiting, ready to listen, when your ready to answer.
Peace, Love and Empathy- CH
Soundtrack; Some songs that influenced this post-
* Sympathy For The Devil By The Rolling Stones
* No Cars Go By Arcade Fire
* Highway 61 Revisited By Bob Dylan
* All These Things That I've Done By The Killers
* Gloria By Patti Smith
* All Apologies By Nirvana
* Straight To You By Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
* Cherub Rock By The Smashing Pumpkins