Well dearest motherfuckers, it's that time of year again. That time for me to purge another years worth of excess vitriol onto the people who have devoted their lives to making mine just that much more unbearable to cling to. In other words, its tooth for tooth time. It's time for my third annual shitlist. Some of these names will be familiar. Some of them wont. Some have even been here before. But all are more than deserving of a thoroughly ruthless tongue lashing from yours truly. So without further ado, I proudly present you with twelve assholes who won't be missed, this is my shitlist....
Rachel Maddow- Believe it or not, I use to actually find Rachel's style of smug, wonky, propaganda to be somewhat amusing. However ass-backwards her conclusions may have been, at least she got all the names and dates right and provided a unique way of delivering her otherwise predictable Clintonian proverbs to the liberal masses. I was occasionally even tempted to respect her but then came Tuesday, November 6, 2016. The day Rachel's beloved Hillary got her pantsuit wearing ass handed to her by a shaved orange orangutan's asshole named Donald Trump. The day sweet Rachel lost her goddamn mind and any remaining shred of journalistic credibility she once had along with it. Since that fateful evening last Fall Rachel has devoted every square second of her media existence to blaming the results of Trump's election on a vast, ever-expanding, labyrinthine, Russian conspiracy. In the process she has transformed herself from a pillar of neoliberal respectability into a shit-slinging, Russophobic, neo-McCarthyite, tabloid monger. Naturally the ratings are through the roof but is that really worth the price of dignity? For Rachel, I suppose it is. She's become the blue state answer to Alex Jones. Congrats Rache, you're a successful fucking joke. Maybe Glenn Beck will give a spot on the Blaze once the wheels fall off the Trump gravy train.
Kid Rock- For the better part of the last three decades Robert Richie aka Kid Rock, a spoiled rich kid from the plush burbs of Detroit, has devoted his pathetic existence to passing himself off as poor white trash thus watering down the brand for the rest of us. Think Larry the Cable Guy with abs and an embarrassing hip hop phase. Now this bumpkin poseur wants to represent us in Washington? Sure, fuck it, why not? First Trump, then Rock, by 2024 we'll be electing Foghorn Leghorn. And poor white folks wonder why we don't get more respect. THIS! It's this fucking shit, you twats! Learn to know when you're getting fucking played by the carpetbaggers and maybe the black kids will teach how to pop that gat sideways, provided your aiming it at honky minstrel artists like Mr. Richie. Represent!
Nikki Haley- Ever wonder what it would be like if Shannen Doherty was raised by wild Cheneys? Well, wonder no longer dearest motherfuckers, with Nikki Haley at the U.N. every day is like Heathers with WMD's. The neocon heartthrob (with her share "liberal" fanboys) gives Trump a run for his money in the retard bombast department. Blaming Iran for our Middle East woes, calling for a fresh new Cold War with Putin's Russia and generally breathing fire on the very notions of reason and diplomacy. Those wild Cheneys must be so proud of there pretty little nightmare.
Justin Raimondo- I really, really, really didn't want to put Justin on this list, especially considering that the poor fuck is in the hospital right now. It wasn't so long ago that I put the patron saint of antiwar.com on my first annual list of People Who Don't Suck. But, much like Rachel Maddow, Justin has lost his goddamn mind over Trump. As if it wasn't enough that my former hero ignored all 50,000 of the warning signs to the contrary and endorsed the Orange Fuhrer as the answer to the antiwar movements long unanswered prayers, he also continues to humiliate himself and the rest of us on a near daily bases by repeatedly jumping through his own asshole trying to come up with excuses for every new war crime his blessed man-child commits. He's beginning to sound like the battered bride of a serial rapist, shouting at the cameramen from the courthouse steps, "You just don't know him like I do! Donny wouldn't hurt a fly!!!". Please get well soon Justin, then get a fucking grip before I lose my composure and send you right back to the I.C.U. for injuries related to me getting a grip for you. And if my beloved frenemy drops dead on us before you read this, dearest motherfuckers, I'll do my penance by putting my own bitchy ass at the top of next years shitlist. It ain't easy being a cunt like me but somebodies gotta do it. Hopefully Justin can understand that.
Hillary Clinton- Poor Hillary. She just can't win and it's everyone else's fault but her own. Apparently the entire Rust Belt that I call home is now part of that vast right wing conspiracy that has come to include everyone from Vladimir Putin to Bernie Sanders. Maybe we really are all just one sexist basket of deplorables. I mean, why else do we all hate her so much? It couldn't be all those damn emails or the fancy SOHO cocktail parties with the wolves of Wall Street or her roll as a serial enabler to her hubby Bills rapacious appetites or all those filthy trade deals that swapped whole American cities for access to third world child labor or that little bloodbath of hers in Libya that ended in her publicly cackling over a snuff film or the fact that she has generally devoted her entire adult life to the callous pursuit of unlimited power by any means necessary.... Naaah! It's probably just the vadge. Otherwise, the person most responsible for the election of Little Lord Fuck Pants is Hillary herself. Which would pretty much officially make her the worst person on earth....
John McCain & Lindsey Graham- Neocon Wonder Twins activate! Form of!.... Carcinogenic desert knuckle dragger! Form of!.... Mincing bloodthirsty dandy! Yes, these two trigger happy twats have had quite a time on our watch. Wooing the arms industry. Fellating the Saudis. Ripping the Middle East a few dozen new assholes filled to the rim with dead brown children. Chumming it up with fellow terrorists from Donetsk to Damascus. All while maintaining a steady menage a trios with the "liberal" media. But all gross things must come to an end. Oh well. Might I suggest something along the lines of a Thelma & Louise-style double suicide. Just keep driving, Neocon Wonder Twins, just keep driving. Hand in unlovable hand. Form of!.... Fiery car crash! No survivors.
Wonder Woman- The first fictional person to make this list really shouldn't be on it. A leggy dominatrix dreamed up by a polyamorous psychologist to be a less agro alternative to the violent sausage fest of mainstream comics, Wonder Woman conquered powerful men with love and bullwhips. How could a kinky tranny peacenik like me not be all about that shit? The only problem is that from the very beginning DC Comics has manipulated the character to sell war to women, a demographic statistically averse to such nonsense. From World War 2 propaganda to that thinly veiled blockbuster peon to Clintonian Soft Power that everybody seems to be shitting their collective britches over, A character designed to empower the better angels of the feminine spirit has been reduced to a flying billboard for "humanitarian" aka politically correct mass slaughter. Just like Hillary, she proves that little Susie can smash foreigners faces into glass just like the boys. Somehow, I don't think that's what Simone de Beauvoir had in mind.
Mohammad Bin Salman- All hail Satan! The Crown Prince and heir apparent to that bloody desert terror factory known as the House of Saud. In the span of his 32 years on this wretched planet, Mohammad has done it all and done it all wrong- He's served as his countries youngest Defense Minister, partied on yachts the size of city blocks, stabbed the backs of too many siblings to count, launched body stacking holocausts in Syria and Yemen, sealed Faustian deals with his nations former Zionist enemies and formed the worlds creepiest manage a trios with the Donald's favorite daughter and her Patrick Bateman-esqu husband. Mohammad is the happening psychopath to watch in the Middle East (Bibi is soooo 2015). His wrap sheet reads like a Melrose Place knock-off produced by Wes Craven. The swarthy young prince surfs the devils waves on an ocean of blood and this little cunt is just getting started. Hail Satan, indeed.
Bill Cosby- Some of us on the left have known there is something deeply despicable about the good Doctor Huxtable for some time now. The way he spat on up and coming young black comedians for not minding their manners while the white folks were listening (and he was losing his edge.) The way he gave those same white folks an easy out by blaming the poorer members of his own community for their own subjugation, as if pulling their pants up would have taken the bullets from Trayvon's chest. But none of us were prepared to learn that Ghost Dad was a body count shy of Ted Bundy in the psychopath department. And the worst part is this classist motherfucker got away with it. Go back to your mansion Doctor Hux, here's hoping you choke on your fucking pudding pops.
Barry Manilow- I have no rational reason to add Barry to this list. I mean, sure he fucking sucks but he seems like a nice of enough guy. The reason I put the king of elevator dreck on this list is because over the last few miserable fucking years alone we've lost Lou Reed, Prince, David Bowie, Chris Cornell, Chuck Berry and Tom Petty to name just a handful of the beautiful souls the Reaper has seen fit to tare from our headphones. Heaven has become grossly over populated with artistic genius. It's like fucking Hong Kong for guitar gods up there. All that talent and brilliance, gone, but Barry fucking Manilow lives. Barry fucking Manilow sells out Vegas daily. Barry fucking Manilow plays nonstop in the screaming chambers of nitrous fogged dental drilling galleries 24 motherfucking 7. Fuck Barry Manilow and fuck god too for that matter. If that bitch exists she's got a lot of fucking explaining to do. Yes, doctor, I'll take another Tylenol with Codeine please. In fact, make it a double.
Donald Trump- And why not top off this list of cunts with the day-glow Doofus In Chief himself, a knuckle dragging malignant narcissist who has devoted his entire empty existence to taking the hopes and fears of the downtrodden and converting them into glimmering trash with his name stamped all over it so the IRS will know which tower of crap to repossess. And the Donald's latest steaming tower of crap is none other than these hallowed United States of Hysteria (TM). Speaking exclusively as an unrepentant anti-Amerikan-Tran-archo-bull-dyke (TM), I can't help but to see this hellish marriage as karmic justice. Rome had Nero, Germany had Stalingrad, and the United Plantations of Amerikkka (TM) has Donald J. Trump. But that doesn't make it any less horrendous to watch poor people, both inside this country and out, get raped up the ass by that morally derelict caudillo. Fuck him and the rented elephant he rode in on. With any luck, Putin will be ridding both of them for his Tom of Finland style shirtless propaganda picks by 2020. Nostrovia.
Well that's it, dearest motherfuckers. All the vitriol I can stand to cough up this year. I don't know about you but I feel much better, at least ten pounds lighter. And if I've managed to offend anybody, please let me know. I'm sure I'll enjoy that. Until next time....
Hate, Rage and Apathy- CH
Soundtrack; Twelve theme songs for twelve malignant cunts.
* Rachel Maddow- Flagpole Sitta By Harvey Danger
* Kid Rock- Common People By Pulp
* Nikki Haley- Darling Nikki By Prince
* Justin Raimondo- Stand By Your Man By Tammy Wynette
* Hillary Clinton- It's My Party By Leslie Gore
* John McCain/Lindsey Graham- International Small Arms Traffic Blues By The Mountain Goats
* Wonder Woman- Miss World By Hole
* Mohammad Bin Salman- Sabotage By Beastie Boys
* Bill Cosby- Family Man By Nitzer Ebb
* Barry Manilow- Golden Shower Of Hits By Circle Jerks
* Donald Trump- Beat Down By Mister Heavenly
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