I know I've been here before and even I'm getting tired of hearing it, but this year fucking sucked. On the personal front; my last grandmother lost her marbles, I got mindfucked by a transphobic shrink, my beloved cat of nearly two decades died and the first BFF I've had since high school up and moved to goddamn England (and I fucking H-A-T-E goddamn England).
On the political front; the Democrats have become McCarthyites, The Republicans have (officially) become Nazis, everybody raped everybody and revolutions were betrayed on three separate continents (in Venezuela, Kurdistan and Catalonia) just in time for the October Uprising's centennial anniversary and that doesn't even cover America's ever expanding net of ghastly foreign interventions (coming to a madrasa near you!).
So it should come as little surprise that I had a hard time coming up with a list of people who actually DON'T suck. For the last few years I've topped off the year with a list of 16 People Who Don't Suck! Kind of an attempt to make up for the overwhelming negativity that usually governs this blog. This year I'm sorry to say that I just couldn't cut it. There quite simply aren't 16 people alive who don't suck, at least not in a noteworthy way. Hell, only eight people follow this blog (all honorary members of this list). So I've had to settle for a A Fistful Of People Who Don't Suck! If some of these names sound familiar that's because more than one of them have made this list before. I know, I know, but like I said I'm not working with a very deep bench here.
The names on this list are of people who haven't let me down this year and it's a depressingly short list.... But their are a dozen. A dozen very dearest motherfuckers who give me a sliver of hope for this wretched species of lice with tennis shoes. It's not a super diverse crowd, they're mostly chicks. I haven't exactly been a huge fan of guys this year. But it is what it is. I don't do this thing to be politically correct. I do this thing because.... Wait? Why do I do this again? Oh well, fuck it, here it is.
Dr. Julia Serano- When I hit the skids this year after my duel with a tranny bashing shrink, the writings of Julia Serano, the loudest voice in transfeminism, gave me the strength to get back up and fight like hell. Julia is every bigots worst nightmare; a brilliant, fearless and above all else relentless trans woman who's not afraid to get her knuckles bloody bashing back. Your garden variety cis-female isn't a fraction of the woman Julia is. She's my communities Malcolm X and we could use ten more of her for the battles that lie ahead.
Julian Assange- Everybody seems to hate this motherfucker but I just want to give him a big sloppy kiss on the lips. I could give a flying fuck where he got the goddamn Clinton Emails. Releasing them was the right thing to do. Information is power, damn the torpedoes! That's always been Julian's guiding philosophy and it's led him to become the best friend democracy has left. And that's why all the "they"'s of this world hate him. Even trapped inside London's Ecuadorian Embassy, Julian Assange is the one motherfucker who holds the feet of the powerful to the fire. I can't wait for the Trump Emails.
Michelle Zauner- One of the more obscure names on the list; Michelle is probably better known by the stage name of her one woman band, Japanese Breakfast, who, in my humble opinion, made the best album of the year with Soft Sounds From Another Planet; a hypnotically dreamy opus about love, sex and heartbreak in a world that feels more like a sci-fi dystopia with every passing second. The fact that I also happen to be madly in love with this girl is just icing on the cake. There's nothing sexier than an Asian girl with a guitar. If she's brilliant, even better. Call it Yoko Ono Syndrome.
Judith Butler- The Alfred Kinsey of gender studies, no one has taught us more about how and why we identify than Judith Butler. She's far and above the brightest bulb in the feminist cabinet and unlike many of her close-minded contemporaries, she's also been a consistently unshakable advocate for Trans rights. As if that weren't enough, she's also stuck her neck out to become one of the leading voices of the BDS Movement, using her own Jewish heritage as a platform to stand on and stare down the Israeli's increasingly genocidal apartheid state.
Angela Keaton- My friend, my mentor and the executive director of antiwar.com; Angela makes the cut again this year for not only being a leader of the anti-assimilationist wing of the Libertarian Movement but for fearlessly taking on the boys club of sexist cretins who are attempting to hijack it. Angela isn't afraid to make waves and enemies too. She refuses to be seen but not heard. She refuses to allow cis-men to take advantage of her hard work without giving something back. And she puts up with more fucking bullshit than anyone I know, including my own. If the Libertarian Movement has a future, it will be led by unapologetic bitches like Angela Keaton. Lets just hope the boys club are listening. If not, it's their fucking funeral and I'm shit out of roses. Give em hell AK. For all of us.
Thomas Knapp- This year has been absolute shit for pretty much everything but writing. In case you haven't noticed my output on this blog has nearly doubled and the eyeballs who've seen it have increased too. The latter is largely thanks to my comrade Tom who is the only motherfucker smart enough to publish my shit on a regular basis, on Rational Review. As much as I prize being an eccentric lone wolf, I have to say, validation is pretty fucking cool too. Thanks Tom.
Chelsea Manning- One of the few redeemable things that Obama did with his presidency was granting Private Chelsea Manning back her well earned freedom. And every breath of free air that she breaths feels like sweet revenge against the cunts who conspired to destroy her for blowing the whistle on the circus of war crimes and despotism that is America's morally bankrupt "War on Terror". Somewhere in Arizona, a decrepit old war junkie with a brain tumor the size of one of Chelsea's new tits is balling his fucking eyes out. Suck it up breeder. Sometimes the good girls win.
Rand Paul- After running one of the most disgracefully disappointing presidential campaigns in the history of fringe politics, the Kentucky senator seems to be breaking his dick trying to make up for it. Whether he's taking on the Saudi Lobby, flaming certain unnamed Arizona charity cases, bashing Trump's total dereliction of putting America first or standing nearly alone in opposing genocidal sanctions and reckless NATO expansion; Rand seems hellbent on making up for lost opportunities (he could have been the first American president with a soul since jimmy Carter). And what's his thanks for this effort? Getting sacked by Ned Flanders for not trimming the hedges.... Tough luck motherfucker. Keep up the good work. I'm pretty close to forgiving you for handing your father's fire over to the angry monkey from 2001: A Space Odyssey (you know, Trump). I'll get there, one day at a time, one day at a time.... For now though, at least you no longer suck.
Matt Taibbi- Matt's back on the list for the simple fact that he seems to be the only substantial member of the mainstream left media that hasn't up and lost his goddamn mind over Trump. Oh, he's reemed the Orangutan In Chief ferociously on numerous occasions but he stands alone among his colleges for his abject refusal to drink the fucking Kool-Aid on the Russiagate hysteria. This shouldn't be a herculean feet, I can't imagine Edward Murrow buying into that horseshit. But in what passes for the Fourth Estate these days, refusing a wagon ride might as well be taking a goddamn bullet. The good Doctor Gonzo would be proud.
Lucy Steigerwald- Playboy, Reason, Vice, The Daily Beast; it would probably be easier to list the places where Lucy's primo journalism hasn't been published (Colonoscopy Today?) but I know her work best from my stomping grounds at antiwar.com. A site that I love dearly, though I would be a liar if I didn't admit that the place can be kind of a sausage fest sometimes. I always find it ironic that often the only chick on the board has a beard and a dick. And what with Justin Raimondo's tragic one way trip to Trumpville, Lucy's sharp, lucid prose can feel like a welcome breath of fresh air in a planet polluted by grabby idle-minded cis-men.
Justin Roiland & Dan Harman- In a very bleak year, Rick and Morty, Justin Roiland and Dan Harman's brilliantly stupid animated sci-fi masterpiece, has been one of the few bright spots. Whether Rick is turning himself into a rat murdering pickle in order to avoid therapy (should have tried that one) or Morty is turning himself into Kushneresque sociopath so he can mack on kinky bar skanks and make a mint on Wall Street, Rick and Morty never ceases to lighten the load with their weird mix of high concept science fiction and lowbrow gross out humor and we have Justin and Dan to thank for it.
Well, that's it dearest motherfuckers, my dirty dozen. You don't have to go home but you can't stay here. If you celebrate Christmas like me then have a merry one but try not to be a dick about it. If you don't celebrate Christmas, go get some Chinese and see Star Wars five times. You'll probably have a better time than the rest of us.
Peace, Love and Empathy- CH
Soundtrack: Theme songs for the dirty dozen.
Julia Serano- Bad Reputation By Joan Jett
Julian Assange- Sabotage By Beastie Boys
Michelle Zauner- Boyish By Japanese Breakfast
Judith Butler- Changes By David Bowie
Angela Keaton- Dicknail By Hole
Tom Knapp- Kick Out The Jams By The MC5
Chelsea Manning- The Seeker By The Who
Rand Paul- Son Of A Gun By The Vaselines
Matt Taibbi- Some Might Say By Oasis
Lucy Steigerwald- Surface Envy By Sleater-Kinney
Justin & Dan- Feels Good By Tony Toni Tone