Not to complain, but I have kind of a lot of shit on my mind lately and sometimes the shit is almost more than I can bare. This isn't a flex, but I am a genderfuck hick struggling to organize a rural Queer revolution in the same microscopic Pennsyltucky town where I was raped and bullied into developing five dissociative personalities just to carry the weight.
As if that weren't enough, I now run a youth group which is quite literally in the shadow of the church where I was molested, counseling other Queer kids who have been tormented by their own parents for failing to live up to some other fucking church's expectations, all while the people I love more than life itself in my own found family struggle to eke out an existence defined by poverty and discrimination.
I do it all because I love it and I love this place and I love those people, but between the heartache and the flashbacks and the house fires and the switching and the trips to battered women's shelters with kids who call me mom and the executive office assisted transgender genocide running roughshod through the already vile compulsory school system, I am pathologically exhausted and dangling by a thread at the end of my rope.
It is in downright soul crushing times like these that the little things become lifesaving. I speak as a learned student of several years of intensive trauma therapy when I say that self-care is a martial art when you are this fucked up. I have my chocolate and my candles and my dreary lesbian rock music but, as bizarre as it might sound, when all feels fucked, I prep, and I'm not talking about HIV. When I say I prep, I mean I prep like a millenarian militia fiend with tits during the run-up to Y2K.
I joyfully and peacefully prepare myself for a coming apocalypse. I peruse the breeder-laden aisles of Rural King and Tractor Supply for hatchets, machetes, and hunting knives. I do up my bedroom like a Hot Topic curated remake of Straw Dogs. I window-shop army surplus sites for concertina wire, sandbags, and MREs. I study the different kinds of earth homes most capable of repelling a prolonged armed assault in the hills of Appalachia. And amidst all this doom and gloom and camouflage, I find peace or at least something vaguely resembling it.
Some of this I am well aware is very much traumagenic. When the people you are supposed to trust most both literally and figuratively fuck you at such an impressionable age, you spend the rest of your life finding a place in every room to sit where you can put your back to the wall and keep your eye on the exits.
However, some of this is actually shockingly pedestrian when you think about it. Doomsday prepping has become something of a booming cottage industry in the west, and it shows this time of year with the very mainstream fixation with all things zombie apocalypse. Suburban housewives get decked out in matching tactical gear, binge watch The Walking Dead and gleefully indulge in daylight phantasies of nesting with assault weapons in a world rendered stateless by flesh eating ghouls.
On a similar but far more troubling note, our elites are very much in on the hobby as well. The wealthiest men on earth are snatching up rural acreage in places like New Zealand and Hawaii's Big Island where they are digging out colossal subterranean castles stocked with enough provisions to last a decade and enough firepower to take on the militaries of most mid-size nations, that is when they're not busy shooting huge chunks of their ill-gotten fortunes into outer space, inspired by hopped up, ketamine induced fever dreams of space colonization amidst celestial bodies they have yet to rape blind and dumb with their corporate behemoths.
As out of touch as such corporate creatures may be with the life of your average American plebian, they do have access to the kind of intel most doomers can only dream of and if they're running scared it shouldn't be construed as anything less than recognition at the highest levels that the odds are stacked heavily against even the most privileged earthlings in recorded history.
Of course, you shouldn't require a billionaire with Q-clearance to tell you which way the wind blows and the evidence that humanity's days of plenty are numbered are littered all around us. The tea leaves are the size of Renaissance tableaus. As Pax-Americana's global influence wanes, the most powerful nations on earth are embracing increasingly robust military-police states, turning every last sector of law enforcement into tactically armored paramilitaries with orders from on high to shoot anything that moves and shoot to kill.
Partisan politics are largely defined by publicized targets but whether the prescribed threat to western civilization is antifa or militias or neo-Nazis or undocumented migrants, the solution is always the same; more power in fewer hands and bigger guns in those hands.
So, why not the rest of us? Why not the peasants trapped between the treads of a thousand tanks? Especially marginalized groups like mine who are already fighting for our lives every single day. Black, brown, and/or Queer folk have more reason to prep than the rest of the country combined, so let's get started while we still can.
Some will likely argue that this mentality is deeply unhealthy regardless of the competition, and some will (and have) suggested that I do something a little more positive with whatever time I have left on this terraformed cannonball we call a planet. However, I would argue that when you consider the actual science behind our increasingly precarious situation, you would be dense not to come to the conclusion that investing in any model of future society, even one of the Mad-Maxian variety, is nothing short of optimistic.
While massive data centers sprout like mushrooms and artificial intelligence rapidly approaches a very sociopathic form of sentience, while the Pentagon streamlines the Executive Office's access to so-called tactical nuclear warheads, and NATO corners Russia in Kaliningrad, carbon dioxide emissions continue to increase at a clip even faster than most of the world's top climate scientists predicted while the planet just gets hotter and hotter.
Westphalia's supposed solution to this predicament is to bet the farm on colossal infrastructure projects like the "Green New Deal", but such massive programs not only empower many of the same globalist institutions that brought us to this point, they rely on a convoluted plot to replace one colossal superstructure totally reliant on fossil fuels with another colossal superstructure completely reliant on the equally corporate monopolized, big green energy industry without diminishing western civilization's high-tech global footprint an inch.
Even if this great green leap forward doesn't end in another huge fucking Ponzi scheme of corporate welfare and no-bid contracts, the level of infrastructure required to replace fossil fuels would require a construction project that would burn through enough fossil fuels to melt the ice caps and kill the rainforest in the process.
The sad and sorry fact is that aside from some kind of massive psychedelic tryptamine fueled spiritual awakening, the best hope we have of any human beings surviving this tropical shit storm is collapse. The corporate class pushing their automated police state too fast, too soon, and literally melting the grid as the ocean gobbles up their precious metropolises like gilded pills.
So, I prep, and you should too, especially if you're a member of a marginalized tribe like mine because Kali knows, we have already been set up to be the first ones to die for straight white cis bros' sins. But this needn't be all doom and gloom. The fact that most of the rugged individualist preppers on the right never seem to grasp is that the strongest defense against apocalyptic turmoil is small, intimate, self-sufficient communities.
Thus, when the world is getting me down, I focus on doing everything I can to protect the people I love and that goes way beyond stockpiles and boobytraps. That is about forging homesteads and mutual aid societies and non-profit community centers and a Queer tribal consciousness among the battered and beautiful people who make me feel safe even when the sky is falling.
If I can build something local that gets my people just a little bit closer to being truly independent from the global, then all that fear and loathing I wrestle with daily feels just a little bit lighter.
So, when the world breaks my heart, I prep. But I'm not just prepping for doomsday, I'm prepping for the day after because there is no fate but the one we make.
Peace, Love & Empathy- Nicky/CH
Soundtrack: Songs that Influenced this Post
* The House of the Rising Sun by the Animals
* Tokyo by Julien Baker
* Human Behavior by Bjork
* Chinese Satellite by Phoebe Bridgers
* The Bends by Radiohead
* Safari by the Breeders
* (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction by Devo
* Rid of Me by PJ Harvey
* Supernaut by 1000 Homo DJs