As something of a radical contrarian, I often feel like my life is comprised largely of coming out of an endless procession of closets, often without even realizing I'm stepping through the doorway. What? You didn't know I was a pro-life feminist? You've never heard of a libertarian socialist? I genuinely can't keep up with all the peccadillos you partisan pussies find indigestible. All in all, with this experience of casually shocking boring people, it's little wonder I took to being queer like a fish in a frying pan.
But some closet doors are heavier than others and at this hybrid moment of Republicrat hysteria, they don't get much heavier than the simple fact that I have a great deal of respect for both Ilhan Omar and Tucker Carlson, which is a bit like being a unicorn that everyone hates for a different reason. How could this be possible? Well, for one thing, I've long held a soft spot in my bleeding heart for both shocking people and, well, shocking-people. As a kid, I couldn't seem to decide whether I wanted to be Mother Teresa or Marilyn Manson when I grew up. But more than any idiosyncratic character flaw, my respect for these two highly demonized figures stems from the fact that I am and will always be an anti-imperialist above all else. And regardless of their many many flaws both Ilhan and Tucker have been fairly consistent advocates for world peace.
I never expected to like Tucker Carlson and, for the most part, I still don't. His demonization of immigrants and trans people like myself is nothing short of revolting. But like most paleocons, with Mr. Carlson you take the good with the disgusting. Regardless of how you or I may feel about the bastard's social cluelessness, you have to be pathologically apoplectic to deny his post-partisan devotion to anti-interventionism. Where Tucker's beloved pseudo-isolationist Caesar, Donald Trump, has faltered, Carlson has remained courageously resolute.
Since taking the prime time slot of pandering grope-a-holic Bill O'Reilly, Tucker Carlson has delivered some of the most breathlessly eloquent prose in defense of peace that this country has seen since MSDNC had Phil Donahue fired for speaking out against the war in Iraq, often going against the very president he rebuilt his career on defending in the process, and it's effect appears to be profound. Donald Trump seems to have only reversed his decision to commit mass murder in Iran after a brief phone call with his favorite Fox News host. With an impetuously impressionable man-child in the Oval Office, this xenophobic, binarist dick may have literally saved lives by sticking to his guns on America's existential need to drop hers. Hate the fucker for who he is, but game recognizes game, and Tucker is looking pretty damn familiar to this tranny peacenik. Crucify me for being big enough admit it.
Perhaps the only thing more enjoyable than seeing a neocon network hijacked by a modern-day Charles Lindbergh has been watching mighty little Ilhan make those same pigfucking giants sweat. While, as an anarchist, I may find Mrs. Omar's pseudo-socialist, big-government-solves-everything approach to domestic policy nauseatingly tiresome, she has proven herself to be the Lower House's most doggedly consistent critic of empire since Ron Paul.
She has been inspiringly fearless in her near unprecedented stance against the malign influence of the Israel Lobby, braving outrageous accusations of antisemitism from her own party to tell an increasingly Hitleresque Bibi Netanyahu to go fuck himself and the president he rode in on. She's called out Democratic sacred cow Barack Obama for his own war crimes, thrown her support behind Orange-Man-Bad's empty promises to pull out of Afghanistan and Syria and has led the charge in Congress to end our countries unforgivable involvement with the Saudi genocide in Yemen. All of this, however, is just gravy on top of her ruthless televised roast of Elliot Abrams. Nothing has ever gotten my unwanted cock harder than seeing that woman make that serial-child murderer belly crawl like the gutless invertebrate he is. It's the closest thing I've ever seen to anti-imperialist revenge porn and it was fucking divine. For that alone, Ilhan Omar has earned her place in paradise just next door to Malcolm X.
So why the fuck cant these two iconoclastic peaceniks just get along? Why does Tucker feel the need to further stain his reputation by dragging a woman who stands for many of the same things he does through the mud with ludicrous, xenophobic, conspiracy theories? Why do Ilhan's devoted Twitter followers waste their precious time trolling the private residence of the one talking head daring enough to speak out against both parties insatiable lust for war? Why can't radicals just get along?
The answer essentially comes down to the kind of garden variety bigotry that the status quo has relied on for centuries to keep people serious about peace divided. For Tucker and his audience, this bigotry is pretty obvious. The world is getting browner and queerer and they can't stand the idea that becoming a white minority may be inevitable. For someone in coach like me, it's more than a little hard to feel sympathetic for a bunch of old white men in first class bellyaching about getting only one side with their Salisbury steak. Which leads me to address the less obvious form of bigotry at play here, coming from the left, which essentially amounts to a bigotry against bigotry. I know this sounds absurd, but you can't expect every social group to evolve at the same pace. Sometimes we have to pick our battles, and dead children in Yemen is just a little bit more dire than being misgendered by MAGA hat wearing hicks.
This doesn't mean the left should lose its values. On the contrary, I think these values of tolerance and acceptance only benefit from finding common cause with those who stubbornly appose them. I've seen it first hand. I can't tell you how many times I've encountered hostility towards my gender identity from the right, only to see it neutralized by sharing a comradery for apposing violent globalism. I've become many a paleocon's one trans friend this way and I've gotta believe that that is a step in the right direction.
Both the far-left and the far-right have never been more visible in this country. We both appose many of the same things, namely the forever wars which have starved both our movements of the financial attention they so rightly deserve. If the radical center can find common ground in strengthening the warfare state, then why cant we on the fringe find common ground in destroying it. There will be plenty of time to claw each others eyes out over domestic policy once the troops come home. For now, I say we prioritize ending the killing. Lets build a contrarian coalition for peace.
So, yeah, dearest motherfuckers, I'm a little bit Ilhan, and god help me, I'm a little bit Tucker too. Aren't we all? Consider that closet door obliterated. I have no more room for shame when it comes to my lust for peace.
Peace, Love & Empathy- Nicky/CH
Soundtrack; songs that influenced this post
* Hatebreeders by the Misfits
* The KKK Took My Baby Away by the Ramones
* Personal Jesus by Johnny Cash
* Obsessed by Hatchie
* Hybrid Moments by the Misfits
* Rock 'n Roll Nigger by Marilyn Manson
* Good Ones by Slaughter Beach, Dog
* Rebels by Tom Petty
Dedicated in loving memory to Dino Zakarya. Another proud Muslim rebel who couldn't be bothered to follow the rules. Rest comrade, we'll carry your gun.