Well dearest motherfuckers, it's that time again. Time to talk about my least favorite subject. Yes folks it's time, once again, to talk about that shit clogged toilet bowl that is the 2016 Presidential Election. I have avoided this dreaded subject like the fucking plague for as long as I possibly could. I mean, shit, I even chose coming out of the fucking closet over this. But I can't ignore this depressing circus of shameless spectacle forever, so here we go.
All in all, my basic view on voting in the 2016 primaries can be put very simply in just one word. Don't. Opt out of this pseudo-democratic charade, stay home and do something more constructive with your time like jerk-off or draw dicks on a picture of Trumps face. Maybe this isn't the most politically correct position to take. "Vote or Die", right? Well I for one would rather fucking die than soil my conscience by voting for any of these trigger-happy rodeo clowns called candidates, so fucking bring it Diddy.
What? You wan't more? well hold your horses asshole, I'll give you more reasons to shirk your patriotic civic duty. In fact I'll give you fucking seven in no particular order. So here it is dearest motherfuckers. Seven reasons not to vote for president, at least not yet.
1.) MARCO RUBIO- I'm not gonna mince words on this one, so if your the sensitive sort I politely suggest you find another, gentler blog. I'm pretty sure they have Lou Ferrigno talking about his 13 favorite labradoodle Vine's on Huff-Po right now.... ....They gone? Cool. Too put it bluntly, Marco Rubio is the official cabana boy of the Military Industrial Complex. He's a charming, brown, scrumptiously fuckable mouthpiece, factory made by bitter old white chicken-hawks to fool America's war-sick heartland into falling in love with the neocon cult of perpetual warfare all over again. He's G.W. Bush for a younger, hipper, more ethnic American Empire. There's just one problem. They pushed the robot off the assembly line a little to early. He looks and sounds like a real boy until he's forced to actually defend his carefully memorized talking points and he begins to short-circuit like R2-D2 soaked in Dr. Pepper. If even a ham-fisted neanderthal like Chris Christie can jam this sexy moron up, how the hell is he supposed to get passed Sith Lord Killary. Oh well, so much for the New American Century. Better luck next time Bill Kristol.
2.) BERNIE SANDERS- Few people on earth piss me off more then this asshole and his mesmerized fan club. It's Obama fever all over again. I am a socialist. I am a lot of other things too but it all comes back to socialism. I have devoted my entire young, tortured existence to the cause of peace, equality and egalitarianism by any means necessary and to here this pathetic DNC whore bandy about the word socialism like the latest Twitter meme makes me want to fucking hurl. Jesus Christ is a socialist. Eugene Debs is a socialist. Noam Chomsky is a socialist. Bernie Sanders is a fucking disgrace. He supported the bombing of Kosovo (and the destruction of socialist Yugoslavia). He supported the Clinton era sanctions on Iraq that murdered half a million children. He supports drone strikes (and wants more of them). He supports the jihadist "rebels" destroying Syria and the neo-Nazi thugs in Ukraine. He called Hugo Chavez, the finest socialist leader of this generation, a fucking dictator and he calls that crooked wretch, Killary Clinton, who he's supposed to be running AGAINST, a good woman and a trustworthy politician as he rallies the wayward left youth into the DNC's filthy pockets. Fuck you, Bernie Sanders. Steal another fucking identity to hide behind because your no fucking socialist and I will never vote for you. Feel THAT Bern!
3.) TED CRUZ- One thing everyone but the most Bible-thumpingest fag-bashers seem to be able to agree on is that Texas Senator Ted Cruz is pure fucking scum incarnate. He certainly looks the part with all the reptilian good looks and charm of a Dick Nixon wax dummy left in the microwave a minute to long. Ted's a grade-A scuzz-bag all right, no arguments there, but if you ask me, he's also one big fucking lie too. Ted passed through two fucking Ivy League schools with flying colors but he denies basic grade school shit like evolution and global warming. Ted's a Tea Party "outsider" but he cut his teeth as a fed in the Department of Justice and worked on arch-insider George Dubya's 2000 campaign. Do I have to say it out loud again? He's a fake! A fraud. A con-man playing hayseed for the gee-shucks cousin-fucker vote and if Iowa's any indicator, it looks like the slime-ball's got it. Not that it's going to be enough to to mean anything other than a future career as a resident honky minstrel in the Huckabeeland of Fox News' Sunday evening slot. But hey, that's where the green cash grows, right? Dollar dollar bill, yo!
4.) BEN CARSON- Who the fuck are we kidding?.... ....NEXT!!!
5.) DONALD TRUMP- I pushed a theory a couple of posts ago that Donald Trump was in fact another foul agent of Killaries soft power plot to steal the White House by hook or by crook. Well folks IF that's true then the old bitch has shit the bed again with another regime change scheme gone horribly aerie. Only this time it's not Libya, Syria or Ukraine she's shitting on, it's the good old US of A and Trump is that shit. Straight from the tyrant's ass. Yes dearest motherfuckers, it appears the orange cunt's gone rogue and decided to make a legitimate go at the White House and we're all in big fucking trouble cause this dumb fuck might actually have a shot, however statistically remote it might be. If you think the Donald's obnoxious now, imagine the ginger Duce with nukes and drones. You just shit a little bit didn't you? It's OK. I did to.
6.) JOHN KASICH- Still can't pronounce that name right.... ....ANYWAY, The Ohio governor is a lot like the state he leads. Boring, polite and judging by that Chinese Kenny Rogers Botox job, fairly full of toxins. He's a former congressman and a Fox News host with all kinds of gross connections to Wall Street and a puke-y melange of other corporate criminals. John's probably best known for joining his mid-western Republican brethren in screwing fire fighters and paramedics out of there pensions in order to rebound from a financial holocaust dicks like them caused. AND he wants to re-invade Iraq because FUCK IT! why not? In other words he's your typical, run of the mill, Republican stuffed shirt. Which is why, ironically, I believe he might have the best shot against Killary. Nobody and I mean Nobody wants to vote for that cackling lunatic. Even her own staffers probably have wet dreams about drowning her in the fucking Reflecting Pool. People would rather vote for a shopping mall mannequin, which is perfect for Kasich, I'm pretty sure that was his minor in college. He's just bland and beige enough to be your average timid voters plan B. He'll never get the chance though, thanks to old Kill-dog's trusty Trumpasaurus Rex. Oh well, there's always Macy's.
7.) KILLARY CLINTON- And then of coarse there's the best reason not to vote, our likely next and quite possibly worst president, Killary Rodham Clinton, a corrupt, war hungry and downright evil fucking egomaniac who literally everyone seems to fucking hate but somehow everyone seems willing to vote for. Why? Well aside from the fact that we're living in the long prophesied decline of Western Civilization, because Killary gets things done.
Killary gets things done for black people by supporting her husband's policies to gut welfare and feed there children to the prison industrial complex in record numbers.
Killary gets things done for women by using her position as Secretary of State to pander to the worlds most sexist regimes in the Persian Gulf for campaign cash and helping to cover up Bill's long history of disgusting, sexually predatory behavior including accusations of sexual assault and even rape (but be careful who you vote for ladies lest Killary's gal-pals declare you a slut and condemn you to hell).
Killary gets things done for the poor by sending there jobs to the Third World and cutting backroom deals with her friends in Wall Street while they recklessly drive the economy into a fucking ditch. Not to mention sending there brave sons and daughters to die disproportionately in her latest "humanitarian" imperialist conquest.
But more then anything Killary gets things done for Killary. Gaming the system, hoodwinking the electorate, lying through her fucking teeth and generally doing everything and anything to be the first and inevitably worst female president in American history. #I'm with her? More like #I'm with Satan.
So there you have it dearest motherfuckers, seven good reasons not to waist your time on the primaries for this country's two most corrupt organized crime families. the Republicrats and the Dempublicans. I'm sure more then a few of these assholes will have probably dropped out by the time you even read this but that's irrelevant. The fact that ANY of these gutless human trashcans were even considered viable candidates to run this drowning country is all the proof you'll ever need that the two party system is hopelessly fucked beyond repair.
Truth be told so is so called representative democracy, an oxymoron if there ever was one. There is nothing democratic about getting to choose which despot gets to run your life for the next four years. It's kind of like choosing your kidnapper. At the end of the day your still going to get raped regardless of the cut of your captors jib. The only real democracy is direct democracy and to my knowledge there are only two political parties advocating such a revolution in this country, the Greens and the Libertarians. Personally, I'm sick of the whole damn left-right paradigm all together. An ideal campaign would unite socialists and libertarians alike. Fuck the parties. I'm thinking something along the lines of Ron Paul-Ralph Nader or Noam Chomsky-Lew Rockwell. Marxist blasphemy, I know but we've tried the partisan/purist shtick and it just doesn't work. We need to start thinking dangerously otherwise we're gonna wake up in November to find either a psychopath (Killary) or a moron (Trump) in the White House. It's revolution, REAL revolution or my fat commie ass is moving to Nova Scotia.