Friday, September 2, 2016

My Shitlist 2016

About a year ago I penned a raucus little rant-page called My Shit List. Goddamn, it seems like it's been so much longer then that. It was basecally a list of the people who happened to be pissing me off most at that moment. It wasn't exactly my best work but I had a lot of fun writing it and I always intended it to be an anual thing. I figure now, amidst my late election season malaise, is as good a time as any. As with the last Shit List, I don't discriminate and I don't pull punches. I'm an equal opportunity bitch. I'm gonna say some mean but very necessary things about all kinds of fucking people, some of them you may hate as much as I do but you're probably just as likely to find someone you like or even admire below and you're gonna get offended and you're not gonna like it and you're not gonna like me and I'm not gonna give a fuck but that doesn't mean I don't like you. Any asshole can tell you what you wan't to hear. It takes a real friend to tell you your god is a cunt. So try to keep that in mind as I burn the dozen or so cunts bellow a new asshole. I hurt you because I love you dearest motherfuckers and it hurts me a lot more than it hurts you. If you cetch me smilling it's only because I'm a bit of a sadomasochist.

Donald Trump & Bernie Sanders-  I'm not putting these two shits together because they represent the same thing. No way, fuck that tired anti-populist cliche. I put Bernie and the Donald at the top of this list because they EXPLOIT the same damn thing for all the wrong reasons. People in this country are pissed and they have every fucking right to be. They've been fucking corn-holed three ways to Sunday by both major parties, who have spent decades feeding them lies and false hope while they send their jobs to third world sweatshops and their sons and daughters to die in third world quagmires. It's about damn time they fucking pushed back. It's just a crying shame that they chose to do so with a phony socialist sell-out and a two-bit con man with a flea-bit hair-piece. Fuck em both, America. You can do so much better.

Trevor Noah-  When I first learned that Jon Stewart was calling it quits last year and leaving his post at the Daily Show, I was heartbroken. When I first learned that his replacement wasn't the obvious choice, Samantha Bee, or the dangerous choice, Vanessa Williams, but some South African, pretty-boy, meatball surgeon named Trevor Noah, I was furious. But I bit my tongue and counted to ten and decided to give the fucker a shot. I shouldn't have. He fucking blew it. He's not the worse comedian in the world, at least not as long as Dane Cook is still alive, but he's got no fucking heart. Which is what made Stewart so brilliant. He also has no fucking brains. Which he made painfully obvious one day into his coverage of the Democratic National Convention when he all but endorsed Killary and forfeited an entire weeks worth of top shelf comedy material to tired Trump burns and limp wristed "laughing with her" jostling. Way to let us down Trevor. You might as well just spit in Jon's fucking face.

Gary Johnson-  Just like Trevor, I wanted to like this guy, I really did. But much like his fellow pseudo-libertarian, Rand Paul, he made this task impossible by becoming a careerist, flip-flopping, chicken-shit. In order to wack off the Never-Trumpers and hustle massive cabbage from those Randian oligarchs, the Koch Brothers, Gary remade himself as the official unofficial pro-war antiwar candidate. First he's for the Iran peace deal, then he's against it, then his for it again but only if we hold on to Tehran's frozen bank accounts because grand theft is so free market, apparently. First he supports drone strikes, then he doesn't, then he does, sort of but not really but fuck you, whatever. Last week he wants to cut military spending by 43%. This week it's 20. Next week, who knows, maybe he'll be naming new battleships after Bob Marley songs and Kush strains. Is this the "new" Libertarian Party I keep hearing about? Because I'm not impressed. If I wanted to vote for a watered down, pot smoking Republican I'd vote for Bill Clinton. Then I'd shoot myself.

John Cena-  In my last Shit List I came out of the closet as a lifelong wrestling fan which was only slightly easier than admitting my occasional desire to have a cunt. I did so to trash wrestling's greatest asshole, Hulk Hogan. So this time around I figured I'd gun for his successor, John Cena. Vince Mcmahon's homo-erotic Ideal for the quasi-Nietzschean New Superstar. Roid juiced muscles? Check. Neckless head stump? Check. Knee-jerk nationalist pomp? Check. Nearly non-existent skill-set? Check. Marky-Mark style black culture appropriation? Check. Shameless marketing to children under the guise of "family friendly" heroism? Oh that's a big fucking check. Yep, I'm pretty sure that's everything it takes to be a modern day Hulk Hogan. Now just add a rapidly receding hairline and a dash of racism and your set. You're the ultimate sports entertainment douche-bag. Now go out and give someone brain damage (preferably yourself) you big dumb piece of meat. Can you see that asshole? Or should I repeat myself. (Sigh) god I miss ECW.

Paul Kagame-  Every neoliberal's favorite African dictator. Paul is probably best known as the rebel Tutsi savior of the Rwandan Genocide. The harsh reality is that their are probably few people more responsible for that tragedy than good old Paul himself, who led a CIA backed Ugandan invasion of his home country in 1990 and spent the next four hellish years slaughtering and torturing the nations long oppressed majority, known as the Hutus, until they finally snapped in '94 with Kagame's assassination of the Hutu presidents of both Rwanda and neighboring Burundi by shooting down their plane. That is when the genocide began and it wasn't just merciless Hutu's killing defenseless Tutsi's. It went both ways, with Kagame himself taking part in his share of the madness. But once the dust settled and CNN got control of the narrative the picture became childishly black and white- Hutus bad- Tutsis good- and Paul Kagame became the heroic president for life. And Paul hasn't exactly mellowed with age. He's spent the better part of the 90's and 2000's cultivating the endless chaos in the Congo, adding a few million to his already staggering body-count and he seems to have his eye on mineral-rich little Burundi next. No wonder he's one of the top recipients of US aid in the dark continent. It doesn't get much darker or more American than that.

Gloria Steinem-  All hail the queen of mainstream liberal feminism, a stuck-up, hypocritical, demagogic, bigot who we must all bow to or be banned forever from the kingdom of equality over which she reigns supreme. Gloria first dug out a groovy little niche for herself as the photogenic poster girl for Second Wave Feminism. She didn't waste much time before using her newfound limelight to disgrace her own cause. The first sign of the growing hypocrisy of Gloria's megalomania reared it's ugly head at the '72 Democratic National Convention where she threw her alleged comrade in arms, Shirley Chisholm under the fucking bus in order to earn a plush spot on McGovern's doomed campaign team. From here Gloria would go on to build the National Women's Political Caucus and Ms. Magazine. She also went on to bash trans-women, sex workers and anyone else who didn't conform to her shallow perception of feminism including female supporters of Bernie Sanders whom she all but deemed defacto sluts for not backing her foul little bestie and fellow feminist exploitation expert, Killary Clinton. Gloria, sister, coming from one feminist to another, go fuck yourself.

Dennis Leary-  I can basically sum up my feelings for this piece of shit in just two short words- JOKE THIEF. Dennis Leary built a multi-million dollar comedy career on ripping off the material and persona of the greatest stand-up comedian since Lenny Bruce, Bill Hicks, a man who use to be his friend. A man who went to his death bed watching his former friend use his life's work to sell-out to MTV for a gimmick. And as if that wasn't enough he went on to rip off the greatest comedian since Hicks, Louis CK to create his hit comedy jam "Asshole". You know what Dennis, you earned that last one. You really are a fucking asshole.

Alan Dershowitz-  You probably know him as a member of OJ's Dream Team. Geeks like me know him as the worlds most litigious plagiarist (think Dennis Leary with tenure.) The only thing Harvard Law professor Alan Dershowitz hates more than innocent Palestinian children and decapitated blondes are fellow members of the tribe who not only condemn his racist brand of apartheid apology but also point out the blatantly half-assed plagiarism he uses to defend it. The Dersh-bags solution to this particular Jewish problem is to use his Ivy League cache to demolish these men's careers. Sometimes he succeeds (poor Norman Finkelstein), sometimes he fails (lucky Noam Chomsky) but either way he damages the very real plight of his people by using their memory to bolster his own morally and academically derelict behavior.

Caitlyn Jenner-  Now what kind of self-respecting bitch would I be if I didn't include one of my own on this list. First and foremost, I must recite what has become the new tranny mantra- I, Comrade Hermit, gendefuck man-dyke, do solemnly swear that I respect and admire Caitlyn Jenner and what she represents as far as normalizing relations between my people and the hate-fucks. -With that being said, I also happen to think that Caitlyn is a pompous, sexist, elitist cunt and the strange timing of her coming out has a lot to do with that. Back when Caitlyn still went by Bruce she mowed down a 69 year old animal rights activist named Kim Howe with her SUV in what looked suspiciously like a texting and driving wreck. The very next month, mere weeks after the incident, Caitlyn came out and suddenly the narrative shifted from "Bruce the granny killer" to "Caitlyn the hero". I'm not suggesting that Caitlyn's whole transition is a fucking hoax. She had been visibly going through hormone therapy for years before this incident. So why then did she choose to officially come out with the pigs hot on her trail, which is usually a particularly hostile place for a trans-person to be in. My theory is that that is exactly why she choose then and there to come out. She flipped a coin on America's tolerance and she flipped the fucking script on the LAPD by daring them to reveal their ignorance and become the police force that bashes the worlds most famous trans-woman by performing the all too common heterosexist practice of tossing a woman into a men's prison and it worked. In February Caitlyn killed a woman. In April she came out. And by June the cops tossed the charges. Game, set, match, Caitlyn. I guess it goes to show, you can take the girl out of the Kardashians but you can't take the Kardashian out of the girl. And I know what some of you are going to say, "But Comrade, she's soooooo inspiring!" Too that I'll quote someone who became one of my own early female role-models with her part as foal-mouthed Amy Blue in the 90's cult gem The Doom Generation, one Rose McGowan who said of dear, inspiring Caite, "Being trans doesn't make one immune from criticism." Thank you Rose. Amy Blue couldn't have put it better herself.

John Lewis-  From one sacred cow to the next. No one on this list has fallen farther than John Lewis, a legit civil rights superstar-cum-congressman who headed up the righteously radical SNCC and got his noggin cracked with MLK during the struggle for voting rights in the height of the sixties Dixie darkness. Sadly, like all too many radical sixties heroes, John went on to go the way of the Clintons, riding up the Washington yuppie-gulch to become a loyal apparatchik for the Democratic Party, often using his well earned historical cache to legitimize an organization who's true dedication to the black community hasn't evolved much since the days of Strom Thurmond. Don't tell them that, of coarse. They still suffer under the delusion that PC lip service equals social justice. John's less than secret legacy as a putrid sell-out has never been more brazenly obvious than it was this summer when Lewis led his putrid sell-out  party in a phony sit-in on the Capitol floor in protest of the GOP's refusal to vote on a bill that robs people of their Second Amendment rights based on the fascist Bush era No-Fly-List which reduces the very premise of Habeas Corpus to toilet paper. All for a chicken-shit, popcorn headline during an election year. And that's not even the worst part. The real fucking kicker is that Lewis himself had been a target of the tyranny of the No-Fly-List and it took him, a veteran congressman and self-proclaimed pacifist, months to get off it. One wonders what Dr. King would make of his former comrade now, as he uses and abuses the memory of the movement he died for to deprive others of their own civil rights. I imagine he probably wouldn't say a word to Brother Lewis. He'd simply turn his back to him and walk away, shaking his head in disgrace.

Bono-  If you ask any random working-class Irishman, from Dublin to Belfast, what they think of Bono, their countries favorite son, They'll tell you straight up with a snort and a scoff, "What fuck'n wanker!" So what do my ancestral countrymen know that the rest of the world apparently doesn't. To put it bluntly, maybe they can smell his fucking ego from the Netherlands where he chose to hide his money to dodge the Emerald Isles taxes during it's worst financial crisis in generations. While every Pat, Tom and other Pat was losing their fucking shirts to the bursting Irish corporate bubble that Bono so vocally championed, the fair-weather patriot was too busy burying his Euro's between the windmills to give a fuck. Or maybe it's his paternalistic treatment of Africa, which he insists on saving, as cameras blaze, by making the continent dependent on white charity from the very oligarchs who rape them blind of the resources that could grant them true independence. But then who would Bono use for props to prove his messianic awesomeness to the waiting world? Or maybe it's just the fact that the shithead hasn't released a halfway listenable album in over twenty years yet he still has the fucking nerve to team up with Apple to force albums down non-consenting iTunes users fucking throats in a faux-punk stunt that earned him and his band mates over 50 mil. But if you ask me it's all of the above. I think the gross spectacle of Bono can best be summed up with a popular Irish joke- "What's the difference between Bono and Jesus Christ? Jesus Christ doesn't run around Dublin telling everyone he's Bono."

Jay Z & Beyonce-  Jay got his start slinging rocks to his people in the hood. Now he slings moronic, sexist and materialistic crap to the wrest of the world. I'm not sure which is worse but both pale in comparison to his sickening response to Harry Belafonte's righteous complaint about Jay and Bey's total lack of interest in giving back to the black community. And I quote- "My presence is charity. Just who I am. Just like Obama's. Obama provides hope", Spoken like Nino Brown. BTW Jay, Obeezy also provides drone strikes to all his Africans back in Somalia, but I digress. In spite of Jay's little hissy-fit, the power couple soon began making quite a show dolling out the bucks to save face. I guess Black Lives Matter couldn't write a check with Jay and Bey's "presence". Beyonce earned her own place on this list by pimping out the Black Panthers to sell records with the inspiring message that institutional racism can be cured by "making that paper". Somehow, I don't think that's what Huey Newton had in mind. A power couple indeed. Fuck em both.

Killary Clinton-  Just like my last Shit List, this one wasn't written in any particular order. But I always save the worst for last. Last year the worst was celebrated Satan impersonator and real life Sith Lord, Dick Cheney. So I figured it was only fitting that this years bottom bitch be old Dick's female counterpart, Madame Secretary Hillary "Killary" Clinton. What can I say about this femonster that I haven't already said a million fucking times? She's a back stabbing, black pandering, tax evading, money grubbing, war mongering, welfare cutting, prison building, coupe throwing, email hiding, Qaddafi killing, Bernie fucking, Putin blaming, blood drinking, baby eating cunt with a capital C and worst of all she's probably our next President and we're all totally fucked. Oh well, I guess every Raul Duke needs his/her Dick Nixon to troll and I plan on giving mine holy hell over the next four to (gulp!) eight years. Here's hoping I make it to the bottom of her own Shit List. I couldn't think of a greater honor.

Stay angry dearest motherfuckers.

Peace/Love/Empathy & Anarchy- CH

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