Its recently been brought to my attention by a well respected member of the libertarian literati that my writing more or less sucks. I wont name any names, god knows I've burned enough fucking bridges, but suffice it to say you would know who he is if I did. This isn't a new complaint. I've heard it before but the certain terms of his criticism and the fact that I actually respect the son of a bitch made its way through my armor like a spear. Unfortunately for him, the only way I know how to cope with such turmoil is through my bad writing.
His gripe was a tired old sawhorse often tossed about by white cis-gender libertarians. What it basically amounts to is that he's uncomfortable with my "personal" style of narrative. He's revolted by all the I, I, I's. I this, I that, I hate war, I have feelings, and I share them with my work, and apparently I shouldn't fucking do this. Fair enough. My writing is personal. I'm a personal person. Things like war and the state effect me deeply so I express those feelings honestly through my prose. Apparently this along with my penchant for profanity makes my work unpublishable by the big shots of libertarian online journalism. Apparently my work is too unconventional to meet their sterling standards of literary integrity.
Well fuck them. Apparently those cunty know-it-alls have never heard of New Journalism. If it was up to these self-appointed Mandarins of the fifth estate Hunter S. Thompson, Tom Wolfe, and Matt Taibbi would have never been published. Apparently they skipped class the day their staunchy universities taught about Gonzo Journalism. The basic message that I've gotten from these people is that I'm too different. And they call themselves libertarians?
I'll never understand this, alleged radicals who devote themselves to political liberty somehow justify artistic tyranny? The peace loving ex-hippies who evolved from sticking daisies in the barrels of rifles to editing major alternative news sources want everyone to fucking write the same. There is no room for forms of expression that deviate from the company line of stale, detached, masculine, editorial order.
Who the hell do these people think they are? You're all for pot, pussy, and peace but my deadly I, I, I's are a bridge too far into chaos? You're crusaders for free speech but you uphold the grey flannel rule of the seven deadly words? And you have the fucking gall to look down your crooked little noses at real fucking radicals like my friends Tom Knapp and Keith Preston for not being capital L libertarians and publishing degenerates like me? This is what's become of the fifth estate? A bitchy little clique of elitist brats getting high off their own flatulence? To quote television's finest egoist, Rick Sanchez, "You wanted to be safe from the government so you became a stupid government!"
To me the avante garde and radical politics of any kind have always gone together like sadism and masochism. Embracing one but rejecting the other isn't just heresy, it's just plain fucking boring. Somewhere along the line these guardians of the digital underground became a petite version of the conformist legacy media that they mock. Somewhere along the line they began to take themselves too goddamn seriously. They lost their sense of humor and they lost touch with what the free press really means.
I strongly suggest they look to the message boards beneath their carefully structured articles for a reminder. These places are hives for true liberty, where all manor of libertarians, anarchists, stoners, Stalinists, truthers, trannies, third positionists, cryptos, and perverts come together to break bread and bust balls. There are better writers in these cyber trenches than the people who get published above them. That is what real democracy, both political and artistic, fucking looks like. Take fucking notice.
These dearest motherfuckers on the fringe of the fringe are my people. They've made me a better writer than any chickenshit, role crazy, editor ever has. I just wanted to cross that editorial line one time and be the first freak on the board to see my name in the big print. I wanted it for me and I wanted it for them. But if I have to bite off half my tongue to get there then it's not worth it. I won't become like them, the other them, I'm better than that. I'll take authentic obscurity over establishment validation any day of the fucking week and you can etch that on my gravestone.
I asked that glorified desk chair hall monitor what he was so damn afraid of. He responded that he was afraid of publishing bad writing. That hurt, but it shouldn't. Coming from a sell-out like him, that's a goddamn compliment. I said a lot of things in response to his unwarranted low-blow, a lot of angry vitriolic things that I probably should have kept to myself. But here's what I should have told him; You're goddamn right I'm a bad writer. I'm the baddest motherfucking writer you'll ever snub. And you should be afraid. You should be very afraid. Those who fight mainstream scum all to often take their place, which will damn you to the same fate of utter irrelevancy. Let my bad journalism be a reminder that your "good" journalism is a one way ticket to circling the drain. Say hi to Dan Rather when you get there, you chickenshit conformist.
...And to you few proud dearest motherfuckers that read this post, all I can do is sincerely thank you. You have given me the only gift a starving artist truly desires, an audience. For this I can only wish you these three little words...
Peace, Love, & Empathy- CH
Soundtrack; Songs that influenced this post
* Take This Job and Shove It by Johnny Paycheck
* Where Eagles Dare by the Misfits
* So What by Ministry
* I Think That I Would Die by Hole
* I Walk the Line by Johnny Cash
* I Bet On Losing Dogs by Mitski
* Chickenshit Conformist by Dead Kennedys
* Everybody Does by Julien Baker
* My War by Black Flag
* My Way by Sid Vicious
Well, I'm reading.
ReplyDeleteMy job and keeping up with the developing Battle of Idlib are competing with my own writing - currently trying to complete my, what is it, sixth novel - and cartooning, but I still make time to read, and, no, you don't suck, because I use a lot of "I" in my own writing. I'm writing it, from my own unique first person PoV, so why the hell not?
Thanks Bill. Have you published anything? I'd love to check it out. I've been working on the same novel for like three years now and I'm barely past the halfway point.
DeleteHow's the therapy group you said you were going to going? I know you said you had a lot going on. Did you ever get around to requesting your records by any chance?
ReplyDeleteGroup is great but I totally spaced on the records. That's something I should ask my therapist about, though she thinks it would be healthy for me to forgive Dr. Dawood. I'm still working on that. She's still going down regardless, though. :-)
DeleteMost important is what you think would be healthy for you. You are never under any obligation to forgive someone. To forgive or not forgive someone is your choice and no one's process but yours :)
DeleteMaybe this is a possibility? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gVOwW9O45zQ&feature=youtu.be
ReplyDeleteBtw correct me if I'm wrong but it sounds like you really want to hold her accountable for her actions in some way. This desire I think could be seen as independent from forgiving/not forgiving her, your therapist may want you to forgive her (and as a therapist it is not her job to impose her desires on you or give you advice, this is one of the first things you learn in grad school) but your choice to or not to do so doesn't necessarily mean the same as what appears to be your desire to hold her accountable. You can forgive her (if you choose) while still not wanting her to "get away" with what is truly unacceptable.
ReplyDeleteMy therapist said pretty much the exact same thing verbatim. I'm the one who has the hard time disconnecting my need for justice from my anger. I just can't split the two.
DeleteYour anger is understandable, I think many would be angry if they experienced that. I am angry too, angry that there are people like that in the profession. "Negative" emotions do not have to be apathologized and treated as something that needs to be quashed, but can instead be seen as potential lessons and signs to learn from, your mind trying to tell you something. You are angry for a reason.
DeleteWhat does justice look like to you? Would it be justice for you, justice for others in your boat (since you're probably not the only, first, or last person who's dealt with that), etc? How do you see this need for justice playing out, and what to you think can be done to get it?
This is purely my own POV and not necessarily yours which is ok, but I'm wondering. If this happened to me, I would have trouble forgiving if I knew that the perpetrator was able to hurt other people besides me. I would not be able to forgive because I see it as beyond just me. This is perhaps a more collective or systemic as opposed to individualistic POV. Do you see yourself in this position?
DeleteI don't know if this helps, but I think people/professionals who act that way come from a place of insecurity. It says a lot about her, and nothing about you.
ReplyDeleteFwiw, not all take your therapist's view of forgiveness. I think it is a very western (and I know you are a westerner) worldview to see anything "negative" as something that needs to be squashed. It is playing into the western paradigm of seeing things as black vs white, and one must negate/dominate the other. This is in contrast to a yin/yang mentality, and being able to hold both as a sign of maturity, or a mentality that sees "negative" things as a potential source of learning and growth. I think your anger can be a source of strength, in fact, I think it is a sign of your strength, and is a sign of health, that you seem to be able to acknowledge that the fault is with her and direct your energies in that direction. If you can hold and sit with your anger and accept it, you can figure out how to channel it in a healthy direction. I am proud that you feel such a need for justice and have such a robust sense of right and wrong and think your anger can be a valuable asset.
ReplyDeleteThis might be something of interest to you.
https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/types/somatic-experiencing
https://www.niwrc.org/sites/default/files/documents/Resources/5%20SE%20POC%281%29.pdf
That's generally been my outlook. My anger has kept me from self-destruction on multiple occasions. I greatly appreciate your support. I have no idea who you are but it means more than you could know.
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