Sunday, April 26, 2020

Fear and Loathing in Coronaville Volume 6: Rage Against the Quarantine or How I Learned to Start Worrying and Swear About It On the Internet

You motherfucker! You goddamn, cocksucking, clitlicking, shiteating, dickless, cuntless, gutless, motherfucking piece of fucking shit!! Ahem, sorry about that, dearest motherfuckers, but apparently on day 3678 of this government sanctioned shutdown my Hunter S. Thompson-with-cunt-jokes routine has been reduced to Joe Pesci with Tourette's Syndrome. Its gotten to the point where I'm not even sure who I'm swearing at anymore. Is it our thin-skinned bronzed asshole of a president, who couldn't be bothered to skip tee time when this plague was first popping off but is more than willing to use it as an excuse to launch a Third World War with China? Is it my governor or yours, who sees the very real threat of this thing as a giant blinking greenlight that reads 'FASCISM!'? Or is it the smug millionaire celebrities, cracking wise on Twitter about the white trash proletariat protesting the rapid erosion of our civil liberties back in Idaville from the comfort of their palatial castles in Belair? Or how about our heroes in blue, who gallantly risk their lives to pistol-whip Sunday drivers for daring to leave their two-bedroom prison cells then cry like fucking children when we fail to applaud them loudly enough for their latest ultraviolent ego-trip? It's all of them. All of those goose-stepping, fuck-faced-fascist, mother-raping, sons of six bastards! Those cum-guzzling, blood-belching-cunt-headed, authoritarian, fatherfucking motherfuckers!! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck your mother! Fuck your stupid butthole god! Fuck your flag! Fuck your authority! Fuck this country! Fuck the police! And fuck this goddamn motherfucking quarantine!! You motherfuckers better ban me from Facebook for another goddamn century, cuz this big-dicked tranny cunt is off her fucking meds and swinging like a goddamn samurai.

I have been sick upon death with a litany of diseases, both mental and physical, for all my life but I have never been sicker than I am right now of this constitutional shredder known as the government shutdown. Our dear leader, Little Lord Fuck-Pants, the Orange Duce of Fifth Avenue, may fain outrage for the white populist vote while he sells their children's children into lifelong debt slavery with his big, beautiful, wonderful, budget-quadrupling, pork-barrel, corporate bailouts, but he doesn't know what rage is until his been a morbidly depressed, genderfuck, basket case who can't even get a goddamn wonton. The only thing keeping me from blowing my motherfucking brains out is my primeval savage lust for pure fucking rage. I wanna torch the Pennsylvania State Capital to the fucking ground with a goddamn flamethrower. I wanna wipe my shit-caked ass with every Blue Lives Matter flag from here to Ferguson. I wanna shoot a drone from the fucking sky with a rocket launcher. I wanna raid the nearest food court like a crossdressing Mongolian warlord and social distance with 16 half-Asian prostitutes in the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool. Hell, I don't even care if they're on the rag. I'll snort their blood off a goddamn Metro toilet seat, damn the dental dams. I wanna rage against the quarantine!

But I'm not gonna do that. Because I'm a responsible member of this human race, even if they are a swarm of earth-raping germs with tennis shoes. I'm going to stay inside and social distance and chew my chipped toe nails down to the bone, but I'm not going to do it because some law, some decree, some dick-swinging doctor or civil servant commands me to, and I shouldn't fucking have to either. That's the point of this foul-mouthed tirade. It is completely fucking possible to be a morally responsible Judeo-Christian Humanist and oppose the way our government is steamrolling over civil liberties and people's livelihoods with this obnoxious fascist government shutdown. And I am sick, I am downright fucking plagued of getting called a heartless baby-killer just because I don't believe a virus, even a deadly one, justifies pumping steroids into an already lethal police state.

"So does that mean a bunch of drunken frat boys should be able to cough into their grandmothers gaping mouths after a long night of bro-hugs and forties at the beach?" Fuck yes, and If I have to be the villain who finally says it out loud, then so fucking be it. I put liberty before safety, even if it means death, because I don't want to live in a world with my arms chained to the government's radiator. If that means people die, then let them die, let me. Call me a crazy limp-wristed anarchist, but I'm actually not willing to torture a terrorist's children to save Manhattan from a dirty bomb. It's not worth it. The ends don't justify the means, and with government, they never fucking do. Nail my fat ass to the cross and set it the fuck on fire. I am the heretic willing to live free or kill trying. Ban me from every social media platform from here to Pinterest, just don't dead name and misgender me on my fucking gravestone.

Maybe this isn't hip in desperate times like these, but I'm a Voluntaryist. That means that even though I may be a card carrying, Che worshipping, Molotov chucking, Kulak killing, Sorelian Maoist, I still believe that all human interactions must be 100% consensual. That means no taxes, no wars, no prisons, no borders, no standing armies, and no motherfucking, cunt-munching, goddamn quarantines. And if any of you limp-dick breeders have a fucking problem with that, then you can take it up with me at my parents split-level. I should be trapped here until at least fucking January.

Fuck you and good night.

Peace, Love, & Motherfucking Empathy- Nicky/CH

Soundtrack; some songs to listen to while dying.

*  Sabotage by Beastie Boys
*  Suspect Device by Stiff Little Fingers
*  Sunday Driver by the Raconteurs
*  I Don't Care by Black Flag
*  Superman by REM
*  Killing in the Name by Rage Against the Machine
*  Sweet 69 by Babes In Toyland
*  I Fought the Law by Dead Kennedys
*  Violet by Hole
*  Wave of Mutilation by the Pixies
*  Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle by Nirvana
*  Freedom of Choice by Devo
*  Kerosene by Big Black
*  Date with Ikea by Pavement


  1. Considering how much you hate militarism, even by the Navy, you amazingly swear like the crudest sailor. Actually, it's pretty good.

    While here in Hot Springs, Montana we haven't had to deal with the level of fascism you folks in PA have had to endure (Buck's Grocery and Deanna's Hair Salon will be completely reopened on Monday), I feel for you. Why aren't our "liberal" politicians using Sweden as a model for virus response the way they do for the Welfare State? Yes, fascism sucks, and it is going to kill a lot more people than the virus.

    The problem with our politicians is that they are so totally out of touch with the people that they don't realize that some of us live paycheck to paycheck, and barely survive without even a mild economic downturn, and that the super depression they are foisting upon us will, literally, kill millions. They really do not care, because they have no clue as to what it means to be cold and hungry.

    Even though I am as totally opposed to Corona-fascism as you are, my reaction so far has not been an angry one. When I was young, I was angry, now that I am mature, I am accepting. We will see if that continues if I lose my job. Maybe I just have not been as personally affected yet. If I lose my job, I will not just be cold and hungry, I will likely be dead within months. I think then I might be quite angry.

    1. Writing is where I like to leave my violence, much like fellow PA cult icon George Romero, god rest his zombie bones. I need to bleed and swear and threaten the powerful through my writing so I can be peaceful elsewhere. When I can't write, I hurt myself in ways big and small, emotional and physical. I try to channel that energy, the rage and despair pounded into my brain by the Catholic Church and the public school system into something constructive. It terrifies some people. I have good friends who are afraid to repost this one. But it's very necessary. I just hope people understand.

    2. "Writing is where I like to leave my violence"

      I actually was not implying it was violent in the least. I was actually giving you kudos for the creativity you showed in writing it. I honestly do not think I could have come up with as long a series of curses and was quite impressed.

      I actually spoke too soon about being fully employed. In two weeks, I will have lost half of my job. One of the companies my boss contracts with let us go, as they simply cannot pay the bills. While my salary is not likely to be cut in half, it could be cut to two thirds of what I get now. The only hope is to find another contract very soon.

  2. Great work. But...language dude!

    Shared everywhere. Beautiful rant!

  3. Thanks for the support. I often say I have the body of a lumberjack, the heart and soul of teenage goth girl, and the mouth of a drag queen. It's all part of the flux. I'm every woman, it's all in me.