Like many of my posts, I'm writing this piece from the clerical unit of my local psych rehab. There are all kinds of people here around me; black, white, old, young. But the one thing we all have in common, the one thing that brings us all together here, is that, for lack of a better word, we're all fucking nuts. Schizophrenia, bipolar, a vast rainbow across the autism spectrum, I personally enjoy a zesty melange of depression, social anxiety, gender dysphoria, and agoraphobia that have plagued me for most of my life and my family for generations. We come here for a lot of reasons, for work, for recovery, but mostly we come here to belong. Because it's the one place where we can be who we are without fear of being censured by a society that has deemed us defective.
I am mentally ill, dearest motherfuckers. But what does that really mean in this day and age. In the modern world, a mentally ill person is essentially someone who is pathologically ill equipped to take part in society. But considering the state of society, is that really a disability? We live in a country that prizes mindless obedience to authority and no holds barred consumption to the point of ecological genocide. If you ask me, the people who aren't freaked out are the fucking sickos.
I can't hold down a steady job because I can't cope with having my life micromanaged by some pubescent grill Nazi or some role-crazy box-store despot. But I've come to the realization that not only can I not hack it in the straight world, I don't want to. Even if I could stand behind a counter at Best Buy for six hours straight without literally murdering somebody with a goddamn Xbox, I can't stand the thought of living my life that way. I devote my time instead to writing, therapy, and volunteering for causes that I actually give a fuck about. I'm not nuts about using peoples state-pilfered tax dollars to pay for my meds but I do get a sick kick out of the fact that the feds are quite literally paying me to advocate for their destruction.
You see, along with being certifiable, I'm also an outspoken anarchist. Many people consider these things to be synonymous and I happen to agree with them. Medicaid aside, the state has always been a consistent enemy to the mentally unruly. They beat us, drug us, lock us up, and drug us some more. Individuals who live outside the class system on the streets are routinely murdered and their killers are rarely held accountable. People deemed mentally ill also often have the foresight to see the system for the ridiculous sham that it is, which is what makes us pathological anarchists and natural born enemies of the state. This is where the stigma kicks in. The world doesn't have to heed the warnings of Ted Kaczynski because Ted Kaczynski is crazy. It took a dozen bombs for the sane world to even listen and even then his manifesto fell on deaf ears until his crazy predictions about automation and technological slavery became a reality. Mental illness didn't push Ted to terrorism, society did. Attacking civilians is never excusable but when the world treats you like a fucking dog on a chain, some people decide to bite to get heard.
Well, I choose to bite back too. This blog is my bomb. These words are my fangs. I embrace the individuality of my mental illness. If sanity means embracing conformity, wage slavery, and a total indifference to the suffering of the world then count my crazy tranny ass out. If wearing a gendered uniform from nine to five makes me dysphoric then I will embrace my discomfort. If the herd makes me nervous then I will embrace my anxiety. If the carnage of the war machine breaks my heart then I will embrace my depression. I will not allow mainstream society to make me ashamed of recognizing the human costs of its rational nihilism. I will not use pills and therapy to normalize my mind for enslavement, I will use them to develop the skills I need to organize my fellow freaks to fuck the system that's fucked us. The only fair stereotype about the mentally ill is that we are dangerous. You're goddamn right we are. We think free, we feel deep, we fight back, and we will not be bowed by your false gods. So fear me, society. This nut-job is gonna bring you down.
Peace, Love, & Empathy- CH
Soundtrack; songs to lose your shit to
* Bad Days by the Flaming Lips
* Something For Your M.I.N.D. by Superorganism
* Holes by Mercury Rev
* Whatever (I Had a Dream) by Butthole Surfers
* My War by Black Flag
* More Human than Human by White Zombie
* Planet of Sound by the Pixies
* Be My Head by the Flaming Lips
* Pretend We're Dead by L7
* Two Step by Throwing Muses