Sunday, December 2, 2018

The Church of Jesus Christ Satanist

Maybe this is evil but I've always wanted to start a cult. It just seems like a fun thing to do. The robes, the guns, the girls, the mirrored aviator shades. Death squads, armed compounds, and fireside orgies. There is just something strangely romantic to me about taking over a ghost town in Wyoming, painting all the buildings blood red, and declaring war on the federal government and reality itself. The fact that it's also a tax exempt way to get laid and loaded doesn't exactly hurt either. Sure it usually ends badly but to go out in a blaze of glory set by the feds on live television while neck deep in barely legal pussy, oh sweet Jesus, what a way to go! So I figured, after 11 years in Catholic school and another 6 in hermetic self-isolation, why not try my hand at the game. I'm an off-puttingly charismatic and mentally ill gadfly. If Jim Jones, Osho, and Charlie Manson, then why not Comrade Hermit. It's high time we had ourselves a genderfuck messiah. The idea is very 2019, don't you think?

First off though, I feel obligated by my own syncretic spirituality to clarify that I don't believe in half of the bullshit bellow. Maybe publicly admitting that isn't the best way to start a new religious movement but it certainly feels like the most post-modern. Personally, I'm an agnostic. I like to keep an open mind, but I generally subscribe to an odd mix of Christian Gnosticism, Liberation Theology, and Celtic Pagan Pantheism, which basically amounts to a sort of Irish Folk Christianity, like Santeria for transgender Lapsed Catholics. But that's a touch too sincere for a cult. Sincerity is for spirituality. Cults and their mainstream cousins, organized religion, are about theater. So, spirituality aside, I've decided to use this blog to launch the Church of Jesus Christ Satanist. A cult for the Twenty-first Century!

The doctrine goes that after Jehovah wen't nuts and started turning motherfuckers into pillars of salt and flooding half the planet just for kicks, a righteous young renegade angel named Lucifer launched a failed celestial palace coup to overthrow a despotic god and liberate mankind and beyond by granting all beings the ability to evolve into their own gods. When the coup went south, god deposed Satan and cast him and his fellow renegade angels down to earth, which theologians often get mixed up with hell or purgatory when in reality they're just three different names for the same sub-celestial realm, from which Satan and his fellow fallen angels began to plot a grass-roots, Maoist-style, peasant revolution to bring down heaven once and for all.

Satan's angels took many forms across the planet; Odin, Set, Shiva, Loki, Kali, Quetzacoatl, all preaching a similar form of tribal earth worship. God fired back by sending Abraham to poop the pagan party and stir up shit across ancient Mesopotamia. He also got busy corrupting the heathens in Rome with material greed, causing them to pervert Satan's message into a justification for imperial conquest. Satan's solution was to fuck a human and spawn a son to spread the true word of Lucifer and confront god's quislings in Rome and Israel. That son was none other than Sir Jesus Christ, who, contrary to popular belief, was in fact the anti-messiah foretold in Abrahamic lore.

A chip off the old block of sulfur, Christ was a renegade in his father's image. A wine guzzling, polyamorous, faggot who rolled with twelve hunky, blue collar, boy-toys and a smart-mouthed, sex-working, fag-hag who he made his bride. Jesus roamed the deserts, hanging out with hookers, eunuchs, and lepers and railing against the tyranny of imperialism and organized religion. He performed Vaudeville-style magic tricks, vandalized temples, and taught peasants that the power of god was already within them. Naturally, Christ had to go. So god had his favorite dicks in the Roman Empire and the Pharisees team up to have the baddest faggot in Bethlehem gruesomely murdered on the cross.

But Christ rose from the dead for one last zombie pep rally with his boys and his bottom bitch that convinced them to keep the movement going in the shadows of Jehovah's tyrants. The first Christians were the only true Christian Satanists before our new church. They lived a proto-Kropotkinite existence, forgoing class and money, dwelling in caves, and performing psychedelic fueled fertility rituals. God only managed to keep this burgeoning underground happening under his thumb by using his old chums in the Roman Empire to appropriate Christianity and transform it into another ball crushing, despotic, Abrahamic, sky-god cult. The true teachings of Christ were manipulated and mutilated beyond recognition and the ultimate pagan outlaw was used to justify the destruction of heathen cultures across the globe by the same cunts who killed him.

This is where the Church of Jesus Christ Satanist comes in to revive the anti-messiah's bad name and re-declare war on the god he died rebelling against. We are a church that recognizes the validity of all pagan deities as reflections of the original heathen god, Satan. We dress in black and red robes and reject all forms of government and authority as well as the gender and sexual norms they perpetuate to separate our divine biological relationship with the Devil. We perform sacramental orgies and use the awesome power of hallucinogenic pharmaceuticals to realize our true evolutionary potential as gods in our own right. Our saints include spiritual iconoclasts like Friedrich Nietzsche, Aleister Crowley, Timothy Leary, Alejandro Jodorowsky, Peter Kropotkin, and naturally, yours truly as well as true Christian renegades like Jacques Ellul, Dorothy Day, Leo Tolstoy, and Ivan Illich. And, of coarse, the quickest way to the Devil's heart is my boudoir.

Like I said, it's all theater. But like all great theater, it comes with a grain of truth. The true goal of the Church of Jesus Christ Satanist, aside from getting me laid and spooking the squares, is to divorce the righteous teachings of Christ from the cruel and despotic teachings pushed in the Old Testament as well as by a few of the loonier Apostles. It also seeks to create a bridge between what I believe to be the anti-clerical and anti-authoritarian roots of early Christianity with it's influences in Mesopotamian Heathenry as well as the rituals it appropriated from European Paganism which have informed everything from the veneration of the Holy Mother archetype to the best parts of the Christmas tradition. I don't actually believe in Satan, at least not in the literal sense. But if god really was as callous as that dictator described in the Old Testament then it would only follow that his antagonist would be the real good guy. This is why so many good people remain attracted to the seemingly un-defendable premise of Satanism. Parts of the Bible have been used to successfully oppress so many people for so long that some of them are willing to praise a demonic serpent just to free themselves from its shackles. I can sympathize and I have the odd feeling that Christ would too.

So what do you say, dearest motherfuckers? Are you with me? Upon this blog I build our church. Praise Jesus and Hail Satan! Let the orgy begin.

Peace, Love, & Empathy- CH

Soundtrack; songs that influenced this post

* Rite of Cleansure by Burzum
* If You're Feeling Sinister by Belle & Sebastian
* Spirit In the Sky by Norman Greenbaum
* Santeria by Sublime
* Sympathy For the Devil by the Rolling Stones
* Raining Blood by Slayer
* Beginning to See the Light by the Velvet Underground
* Levitate Me by the Pixies
* In Conspirasy with Satan by Bathory
* Number of the Beast by Zwan

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