Monday, March 12, 2018

Putin is Everywhere

Ever since the untimely disintegration of the Soviet paper tiger, America has been an empire in search of a scapegoat to justify its own violent existence. These scapegoats have usually taken the form of a third world tin-pot despot who the Mandarins of the mainstream media have dutifully spun into a cartoonish monster-of-the-week worthy of a stale Outer Limits rerun.

Who could forget our old frenemy, Saddam Hussein AKA the Great Porn-Stash, a dastardly Arab madman who hid his WMD's so far up his ass that even Rumsfeld couldn't shake them loose at the end of a noose. Or the Slamming Slavic, Slobodan Milosevic, who's holocausts were so efficient that the bodies vanished into midair the moment NATO boots touched Balkan soil. And Muammar Gaddafi, that Mad Dog of the Middle East who threatened American (in)security with his gold Dinars and his support for unsavory terrorists like Nelson Mandela and Steven Biko.

But America finally hit the fucking jackpot with Vladimir Putin. Finally, a boogeyman we can all believe in. For conservatives, he's the reincarnation of Josef Stalin, come to reclaim the lost glory of the storied Evil Empire. For progressives, he's a fag-bashing Orthodox nationalist with his sight set on that equally mythic Fabian miracle of globalism. And judging by his latest state of the nation address, even Vlad is sinking his teeth into the roll with his Bond-villain Ted-Talk about reducing Mar-a-Lago to nuclear vapor, albeit with the true intent of inspiring boners from crippled Russian nationalists who long for an age when being Russian didn't mean being impotent.

It's all bullshit of coarse. Smoke and mirrors. As crafty a chess master as old Vlad has proven to be in Georgia, Ukraine and the Middle East, he is merely the quasi-democratically elected leader of a rusting petro-state with a Jurassic nuclear stash that's about as funky-fresh as Gorbachev's port wine stain. Well over a year into the fakakta Russiagate witch hunt, with every intelligence organization known to man or beast taring the White House apart like a pig-tossed crack house, the most that neocon super sleuth and torture porn addict Robert Mueller has managed to scrounge up in the way of Russian collusion is a handful of right-wing, B-grade oligarchs attempting to suck up to the Kremlin with fruitless Trump Tower rendezvous', mercenary island retreats and half-baked click-bait farms. None of which has anything to do with Darth Putin, at least not in meaningful sort of way.

But just try telling that to the hysterical Hillary-ites over at MSDNC, who's wild eyed Russophobia makes Joe McCarthy look like Allen Ginsberg. To them, Vladimir Putin's strings can be seen behind anything if you look hard enough to make your eyeballs bleed. Putin is more powerful than god. He's kind of like Elvis is to hillbillies, just waiting for them behind every Burger King drive-thru window. This strange phenomenon was best personified by the great Mojo Nixon's college rock cult classic "Elvis is Everywhere". But I think the Rachel Maddow's and Joy Reid's of this world could use their own rendition....

....Cause Putin is everywhere. Putin is everything. Putin is everybody. Putin is still the king. Putin is in your jeans. Putin is in your Big Mac. Putin is in your iPhone! Putin is in your mom! Putin is in everybody. Putin's in the young, the old, the fat, the skinny, the Alt-right and Black Lives Matter. The brown and blue people got Putin in em too. Everybody's got Putin in them. Everybody except one person that is....  Yeah, one person! The Beautiful opposite of Putin....  John McCain has no Putin in him....  And Putin is in Bernie Sanders but Putin's trying to get out! Listen up Bernie baby! Putin is everywhere. Putin is everything. Putin is everybody. Putin is still the king.

But man, there's a lot of unexplained shit out there in the world. Lots of people say, what the fuck's going on? Let me tell ya! Who brought down the Twin Towers? Putin! Who shot up Sandy Hook? Putin! Yeah man, you see guys walking down the street, pushing shopping carts, and you think they're talking to Allah, they're talking to them self. Man no, they're talking to Putin! Putin! Putin! And you know what's going on in that Bermuda Triangle? Down in the Bermuda Triangle....  Putin needs boats. Putin needs boats. Putin. Putin. Putin. Putin. Putin. Putin. Putin needs boats....  Yeah cause Putin is everywhere. Putin is everything. Putin is everybody. Putin is still the king. Man o man, what I want you to see, is that the big V's inside of you and me....

That's right Democrats, you're the stupid party now. Well, the other stupid party. You got a problem with that? Tell it to fucking Putin. The one place that caviar slurping motherfucker really is, is in your head.

Peace, Love & Empathy- CH

P.S. I'm Putin in drag.

Soundtrack; songs that influenced this post.

* Elvis is Everywhere By Mojo Nixon
* Crazy By Patsy Kline
* Karma Police By Radiohead
* Everybody Wants to Rule the World By Tears For Fears
* Lithium By Nirvana
* Bae By The Front Bottoms
* Party At Ground Zero By Fishbone
* Personality Crisis By New York Dolls

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